This means I can post whenever I damn well please... and I damn well please at this moment.
Lately, my insides have been disagreeing with me. Not because I'm sick (rather, I'm not ill, I'm always sick) but more my stomach has decided to seize up and refuse to let me want to eat anything as a result of the consumption of a deadly cocktail comprised of nervousness and excitement.
I'm leaving, you see, never to return again, don't know when I'll be back again. Blah, blah, blah. Kiss, kiss, hug. Ta, darling. Ciao, bella.
I'm not leaving here, as in, this Safe Place, I'm merely relocating. I've come to realize what's truly important and I'm escaping this prison of a small conservative Christian school.
It has nothing to do with Faith, and yet, it has everything to do with it. This "christian" place (note the lower case "C") does a very good job at trying to squeeze the Faith out of you. They want it their way, on their terms, and they want you how they think you should be. The only thing previously keeping me from leaving was the idea that I owed these people anything. I've felt guilty for a long time and it's caused me to become the subtle people pleaser that I am today.
I don't tell people "no" unless they're the people that matter. I'm used to sacrificing my personal life because I was taught that your personal problems shouldn't matter. I am terrified of being called selfish. It's one of my biggest fears. I don't fight for me or the people that are truly worth fighting for, I fight for the things that people think I SHOULD be fighting for. But now I know that I can find community and beautiful people wherever I am. I can seek justice regardless of location. I will always learn and thirst for knowledge. I will ultimately disappoint other people, so why am I trying so hard to stop the inevitable? Why am I feeling so guilty about the things I cannot change when happiness is within my grasp?
It took me a long time, too long, to figure out that I'm allowed to fight for the things I want.
Even if it goes against everything else that makes sense.
I'd like to think I base my actions on logic and reason, which is why this feels so...radical. I should know better than that. I am an ENFJ after all, I'm a feeler. I'm more of a romantic than I let on. Underneath all this snark and coldness I'm an idealist.
But above all I'm a fighter.
And I will fight for what is important: love, loyalty, freedom
And that's what everyone should do. If you want something, if it's worth it, you fight for it. Fuck everything else. It all doesn't matter, not in the end anyway. I will never be remembered for anything great, I will never be quoted or influential, I will only just be me. I will disappoint people, I will piss people off, I will sacrifice for the people I love most in the world. I am selfish.
But it's the best I've got. I can't keep living the way I am now, something has to change.
If you had the choice between love or this concept of "doing what's right" then what would you choose?
Oh, what am I to do? I am 20 years old and I am not yet 12.
Life is terrifying. Decisions are terrifying. I'm just terrified...
Of being selfish.
Of doing the right thing.
Of what I dare to dream about.
Of what people think.
It's ridiculous. I need discipline. I need my head to shut up and maybe for God or whatever it is up there that has created life to be so damn confusing to SPEAK. FUCKING. UP.
Why, why, why, why, WHY?!
So many fucking questions about this god damn confusing fucking life. All things that are ultimately up to me when I just need something, anything. These next decisions will be those that define me. It's too late for me to change who I am. All I can do is learn in whatever environment I'm in. I can't tell anyone because I know what they'll say. I'm more terrified of people than the actual decision I'm making.
But it's done. It's over. I'm leaving. I'm fighting for what I want for once in my life. I have lost so many people because I thought I was being selfless when, in reality, I was too scared to commit to something other than my future success. People are unpredictable, people are scary, there are too many variables, but I know that if I don't take the leap then I will always regret it, more than anything else.
If you had the choice between love or this concept of "doing what's right" then what would you choose?
~
Sometimes I forget whose life I'm living.
Sometimes I don't know want people to think less of me.
Sometimes I can't make up my mind,
Even though my heart is screaming at me.
~
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
~
Life is terrifying. Decisions are terrifying. I'm just terrified...
Of being selfish.
Of doing the right thing.
Of what I dare to dream about.
Of what people think.
It's ridiculous. I need discipline. I need my head to shut up and maybe for God or whatever it is up there that has created life to be so damn confusing to SPEAK. FUCKING. UP.
Why, why, why, why, WHY?!
So many fucking questions about this god damn confusing fucking life. All things that are ultimately up to me when I just need something, anything. These next decisions will be those that define me. It's too late for me to change who I am. All I can do is learn in whatever environment I'm in. I can't tell anyone because I know what they'll say. I'm more terrified of people than the actual decision I'm making.
But it's done. It's over. I'm leaving. I'm fighting for what I want for once in my life. I have lost so many people because I thought I was being selfless when, in reality, I was too scared to commit to something other than my future success. People are unpredictable, people are scary, there are too many variables, but I know that if I don't take the leap then I will always regret it, more than anything else.
~
This is a Leap of Faith
~
Things I'm thankful for today:
1. Jack Johnson
2. Encouraging words
3. The knot in my stomach that is more excited than scared at this point.
No comments:
Post a Comment