Nameless Red Shirts

It's always when I'm sitting in the cafeteria that I collect research and data about people and how they work. 

I love people. I'm fascinated by them. I love observing them. But the problem is I always feel like an outsider, an observer, a researcher. I'm always on the outside staring into the souls of people that don't know that I know who they are on the inside. I get a lot more than people think I do. I'm loud, I'm energetic, but I see everything. 

One of the most interesting things to study is body language. How people interact with each other. The micro expressions and the minute shifts in posture. It's incredible. 

Hundreds of faces. 

Thousands of expressions.

A million emotions. 

An ocean of people. 

And I'm the asshole with a snorkel and taking notes.

~

The cafeteria is one of those places that I both love and hate. It's a watering hole for the masses. You can see monkeys chattering, parrots screeching, birds preening, and the strange mating rituals of the stereotypical conservative Christian. Between class periods the place is quiet, save for a few lone hyenas that sniff around the remnants of lunchtime. During the busy hours, the place is a hive of mediocrity. I don't understand what people talk about. It all feels so insubstantial.  

I like to sit in the same place for hours and try to figure out what it is about the place that is so intriguing. What can I learn? 

I've learned that you can sit in a place surrounded by people and still feel alone. It's like there's an invisible barrier between me and them and if I touch it I might die. You can talk with people, you can laugh with people because that's what you're supposed to do. But you can't make yourself feel a part of it. 

No matter how hard you try. 

~

I've decided that I'm never ever going to be able to feel typical. Yes, I know, we're all unique snowflakes, just like everyone else is a unique snowflake. You can insert a Fight Club reference here. 

I've decided I'm too driven for this nonsense. This bullshit of small talk and social media and "Facebook official" and mixed signals and people always wanting something to make their trivial lives mean something bigger. 

I want my life to be bigger, so I'll make it so and I won't accept anything less. 

I understand that life is hard. Don't misunderstand, I know how hard life can be. People will crush the fire out of you if you let them. Don't let them. We are born with certain things in our life that will always hold us back if we let them. I see so many people that let people and things keep them back for reasons as stupid as sentimentality. 

Cut the cord. Take the leap. Crash through the window. Take the plunge. Barrel through the fence. Look challenges in the face and say fuck off. You have everything to lose. Do it anyway. If it's important enough then it won't matter. 

Let life shape you, not shatter you. 

You want to live for something? Pick something. Whatever you want. But live for it. 

I am the captain of my own fate.

~

This is why I will never fit with people. I love people. I value people. People are beautiful, even if they're all wearing redshirts and are nameless extras. I'm a contradiction like that. But I'm living for something even if no one will ever understand. 

I accept that I will always be the person pressing my face against the glass, looking at a planet with a strange population, wondering what it feels like to feel. Sometimes I can't make myself get out of bed because of the ache in my heart that tells me that nobody cares. Sometimes I am so in love with people that I let them tear me apart on the inside. But all of the time I'm working for something. That's how I keep living.

This is the Spock Doppelganger.

~

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Sweatshirts from Washington, D.C.

2. Frank Sinatra

3. Relatable Star Trek characters