Please leave your dignity at the door

I was once sitting in a psychology class in college when the professor asked the class, "What motivates you?"

People gave stereotypical answers: success, acceptance, approval. Amateurs, I thought.

"Power motivates me."

I shut my mouth, regretting immediately what I had just let slip. Now everyone will know I'm crazy AND ambitious. Not many people understand my ambition, and when people do find out they often get uncomfortable with it, they get uncomfortable around me because they assume that I will require them to match my ambition and my thirst for influence. 

~

Power. It's a scary concept. And then it becomes terrifying when you add the word "ultimate" in front of it. Ultimate power. 

One of the biggest fears I have is the feeling of being powerless. I like doing things for myself because that means they will get done and get done well. By assuming power and remaining in control, people are less likely to disappoint you.

Or so I had originally assumed. People are people. There is no normal. People will let you down, but people will surprise you. Don't give up on people.

I don't have a car on campus. This means I am forced to rely on other people if I need things. It's not always a struggle when I legitimately need things. But often times when I feel that the bubble of an overpowering, faith-crippling atmosphere is closing in around me and trying to crush any type of light I have left, I start clawing at the walls. 

What I wouldn't give to be able to just drive away. Not even forever, but just 10 minutes would be nice.

But I can't. 

But the feeling of wanting to do something that I can't has festered inside my stomach for years. I haven't always been able to stand up for the people I care about. I haven't been given a voice. I haven't been given a chance. I've been repeatedly told I can't.

I don't like being told "you can't" because I'm secretly 6 years old and like doing exactly what you tell me not to. What people don't realize is that when you tell me that I can't, in my mind, it really means "I don't believe in you." Call it warped, call it unhealthy. It's what happens. I am convinced I will never grow up.

But the frustration of not being able to go out for milk and chain smoke on the way whenever I want is so mind numbingly irritating that I find myself nearly wanting to peel off my own skin. I am a grownup (at least, I think I am) and if I want to fuck myself over by ingesting dairy products and give myself lung cancer, then dammit, I should be able to. 

But life doesn't work that way. And I will eventually kill myself working myself up over the things I can't do or the things I cannot change. 

I can't drive off-campus when I'm having a bad day.

I can't go get milk even though my doctor says it's bad for my skin.

I can't chain smoke out of my window.

I can't make him talk to me.

I can't pick up a pizza because I'm the only one who likes mushrooms on it.

I can't fast forward to graduation or at least to a part of my life where I have more going for me.

I can't fix my score on the LSAT even though I know it's all about the preparation.

I can't run away from life.

I can't fly.

Me feeling powerless is more than being able to steal 10 minutes of my day away from a place where I'm convinced is a time-warp of psychotic, brainwashed plebeians.   

It's about feeling like I can't change fate. Which I can't. Which is irritating. Which makes me want to peel off my skin. 

What I can do is hold the world with open hands. I can let the changes of everyday life wash over me, run past me. I can't let the good and the light soak into me. I can concentrate on the things I can change. I can ask for serenity. 

This is the Beginning.

~

Things I am thankful for today:

1. Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal

2. Nyquil

3. A therapist that makes me make lists of what I am thankful for.