Nobody wants to hear me sing about tragedy

I wanna scream "I love you!" from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid that someone else would hear me.

It always starts with a smile.

Just a simple look and your world shatters and you've been messed up in the greatest way possible.

I've decided that this moment would be the thing I could encapsulate into a worry stone. It's an Irish tradition, worry stones, they're smooth and flat and you keep them in your pocket to bring you back to a safe place when you're anxious. When you get fidgety and nervous you can slip your hand into your pocket and rub your thumb against the surface and you know that everything is going to be alright. I used to have one but it broke in half from me using it so much. I'm a boss like that.

I want to imbed an image into a stone so I can keep it in my pocket and summon it at will, that way, I'd be able to see the image whenever I wanted instead of stealing a glance at the owner of the smile whenever he's around.

It's much less risky that way, I've decided.

~

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it becomes the same old song.

I don't understand myself. Like. At all. I overanalyze every type of relationship. I hyper focus and can't save myself from the tidal wave that will drown me within my own mind. I can't make myself stop and I just can't seem to pull myself out of the rip tide. (I am first and foremost a surfer so I apologize for the analogies.) And it's not until I've dragged myself out of the current and thrown myself into the sand of sanity and rolled in it and gotten some of it in my suit that I realize that I wasn't swimming: I was struggling. I realize that my surfboard of hope has been thrashed to pieces and bits of it are washing up on shore.

This struggle all starts with a fucking smile and it's not just any person that can give the smile that I'm thinking of.

It's confident, it's quirky, and it has just the perfect amount of I'm-up-to-no-good-but-you-like-it.

It's 1,000 watts and the electricity has been shot straight to my core. 

My brain short circuits, I catch my breath, and I'm messed up.

~

Judy Garland once sang a song called "Smile"

Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking. 

Just a smile and my heart aches, it breaks.

I know that's not what the song is about, but those two lines are the lyrics my heartstrings play.

~

But I can't do anything about it. I am broken, I am shattered, I have pieces of me left under the couch that someone will probably vacuum up later.

I don't just want love. I have love. I am blessed by love. But I wonder when I'll be healthy enough to try this whole in-love-with-someone thing again. I crave touch and trust and taste and a hand slipped into back pockets when walking.

I am a cliche. 

I know it and I hate it. But it's the truth and if I don't speak the truth then what is the purpose of using words, glorious words, to try and describe an image to you?

I am confused. I am torn up. It's probably a sick joke.

I just want to let go, stop hiding, have someone be there because they want to be. Not because they feel obligated or because I'm a coworker or because it's the polite thing to do or to get in these jeans. But just because they love me.

I can't stop.

This is the Heart Bleeding.

~

Things I'm thankful for today:
1. Fall Out Boy song lyrics
2. Purple ties
3. The ability to order pizza without actually having to talk to a person.