Tragically beautiful creatures that are small clusters of constellations that burn into your skin and tattoo their names on your heart. These manifestations that are not like the rest of the filth of the world. I have the incredible privilege of knowing someone like that. The kind of person that shatters you and burns far brighter than the rest of the Joe Punchcards that go through life simply eating and shitting all over the place.
And he only has an inkling of what he means to me.
He's broken.
He's perfect.
For someone so smart, he sure is stupid when it comes to realizing what he is. He's incorrigible and stubborn and teaches me to sleep in just so he can wake me up. Even his faults are flawless. He's the half of me I couldn't find before and I didn't even believe in that. I fit with him. Everything is okay in the world when he's there. I'm not a freak, I don't need to be fixed, I am whole. He's the kind that you find in dirty rooms and love until you die. I am vulnerable. It feels completely comfortable.
~
He hates waiting for anything and mixes vodka into his merlot.
He lets you listen to your music in the car just so he can laugh at your dancing.
He doesn't take his coat off once he gets inside and won't let you eat fast food.
He buys $80 dollar chargers and then throws it in your face even though he was happy to do it.
He's a good influence through bad language and even worse habits.
He makes you feel like shit, he makes you feel like the shit.
He likes it better when you don't straighten your hair and makes fun of your chipped nail polish.
He encourages deviant behavior.
He is suicidal and he writes like Nobokov.
He hides his mischief in the corners of his mouth and his frustration in his eyebrows.
He won't watch race car movies with you.
He questions everything you believe.
He knows where to find some of the best beauty in the world but doesn't see it half the time.
He always buys a coffee instead of buying a cup of coffee.
He says "rad" in Colorado.
He listens to good music and he drives like the devil.
He wants to replace people with robots.
He's incredible but can't see it.
He. Him. His. Mine.
~
I'm obsessive. I'm possessive. I don't get jealous and yet here I am. He's terrifying and wonderful and I'm lost in him. He doesn't know how much I need him. He doesn't want to live and that would kill me. I'd leave everything for him if he asked. Anything. Everything. He rips my heart out on a regular basis. It's okay. I don't want it back. Every day I text him and my heart catches in my throat thinking he might be gone. Every day he messages me back and I can breath for another 24 hours. Yesterday I drove around town for 3 hours. I thought he had finally done it. I just had to keep driving. I couldn't handle anything else. I'm not going to be able to handle it if he's gone. He thinks I'm temporary, he thinks I'll forget him. I don't know what to say. I can't say anything. He doesn't understand how much I need him. He plays my heartstrings harder than anybody else. I always want to wake up where he is. I love him. I'm in love with him.
I am begging him to stay.
~
I feel the marks he's carved into my skin. I smile at the scars.
Things I am thankful for today:
1. Razor blades
2. Nissan Xterras
3. The Him Who Fits
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