Wants v. Needs (2013)

Kiss me like you've missed me.

Kiss me like I'm the "her" that you can't stop thinking about. 

Kiss me like you did before.

Like you were hungry.

Like you were starving.

Don't mind the napkin notes. 

~

It's just a rainy, cold day. 

All I want is to read life shattering books, drink incredible coffee, discover great music, 

have mind-blowing sex, and think big thoughts.

But instead I'm in college. 

I'm surrounded by Christmas music and commercials and cliches and classmates and course-home-school work. Work, work, work. It never ends. My mind marches to the tune of deadlines and drum lines. I shoulder my pack and lean into the wind. 

People around me are getting married and having babies and getting stable jobs. I miss the times of sitting in a coffee shop for hours on end and just soaking up life and finding God in odd places. 

~

This is a dirty blues day. 

I love days like these, damp and begging for bare feet slammed into every puddle on the sidewalk. I remember weather like this when I used to open the dance studio in the summer. That used to be my safe place. Pouring rain, the reflections of water on the window would dance across the purple floor that I helped paint when I was 13. I'd flick the breaker that powered the stereo system and the buzz of the speakers would center me. 

I recently broke into the auditorium at my school (it was unlocked but I like to think I'm a badass). I was able to dance for the first time in a very, very long time. I sat down on the stage after my toes had started bleeding and almost lost it. I was home for a moment. I was happy for a moment.

Instead of being in a community of beautiful people like I used to have, the dancers of the world, I am now in an environment that tries incredibly hard to crush the spirit out of you. It's draining and confusing and I am counting down the days until I can run away and get lost in a big city in a far away place. It's hard to find dancers in a place like this. I'm not talking about physical ballerinas or swing dancers, I mean the people who live in the world and don't just tap a toe. 

~

There are so many things I want in my life. I think that they're simple but I've found that they are uncommon and people don't often understand. Until I can move past this chapter in my life I must accomplish what I need to. I will sit at the same table for 4 hours and fight the urge to set this place on fire. I remain deprived of touch and taste because I'm a workaholic. I will keep my coffee mug close and my list of assignments for the next two weeks even closer. 

It's funny how people think I'm so rebellious. It confuses me, but then again I've never met myself. 

This Will Feel Better in the Morning

P.S. This isn't coffee in my mug.

~

Things I'm Thankful for Today:

1. Orange Juice

2. Vodka

3. Joe Bonamassa